Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
XBLA Demo Review Archive [UPDATED]
TimeShift: 2/10
Basic game mechanics don't work at all, boring to play, uninvolving, easy to get stuck.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09: 8.5/10
Intuitive controls, but my thumb was sore in no time from all the thumbstick action.
Civilization: Revolution: 1.5/10
I can't see myself playing this on a console. Ever.
Turok: 8.5/10
Awesome overall, but the knife kills, which happen very often due to the extremely limited ammo, are way too repetitive.
Duke Nukem 3D: 8.5/10
ALWAYS BET ON DUUUUUUUUUKE
Braid: 3/10
I don't get it at all. I hope the demo is an actual level from the game so I can go check a walkthrough.
Resident Evil 5: 8.5/10
Awkward controls and extreme mortalilty hurt an otherwise fun, engaging experience.
Dead Space {Dismemberment Demo}: 9/10
No HUD and awesome glibs make me happy, but an objective I couldn't complete dampered my fun.
Stranglehold: 10/10
This demo can give you over an hour of potential gameplay, as every time you beat the provided level, you unlock exciting, Woo-inspired new moves that will make your jaw drop when you look at the clock. The most gameplay in a demo thus far, hands down.
Halo Wars: 7/10
I disliked the campaign demo, but Skirmish's freedom and base-building were more my style. However, you can spend two hours bulking up, only to completely thrash the enemy in thirty uninspired seconds. Most of the upgrades are unnecessary, as you can build five Warthogs, equip them with turrets, and demolish the enemy's base before anything happens. In all honesty, the demo was more of a 5.5 than a 7, but I can't wait to see the retail multiplayer, where base building and upgrades will be more Cold War than just cold.
Riddick: Assault On Dark Athena 6/10
You can never can used to one shallow game mechanic before being thrust into another, and the graphics are confusing and oddly coloured. But when it works, it really works.
Watchmen: End Is Nigh 3.5/10
What a horrible adaptation. Steer clear of this repetitive, boring, uninspired crap.
Wanted: Weapons Of Fate 8.5/10
A really fun experience, with hands down the best VO in a game I've ever heard. The demo is worth a download and the game is worth a weekend rental.
Wheelman 9/10
The combat is hugely satisfying and the ability to "airjack" (jump from car to car), plus the (to me at least) surprising addition of guns and onfoot combat. Together, these elements create one of the finest demo experiences I have had in a very long time. One thing that bugged me was when I entered my first side mission, and about half the screen was taken up by my HUD. This soured the whole experience, as I've begun to gravitate towards HUD-less systems in games (Dead Space being the best example).
Tom Clancy's HAWX: 6/10
Not my type of game (I wouldn't spend ten dollars on a flight simulator, much less 70), but for fans of the genre, this beats the sh*t out of...
Ace Combat 6: 2/10
Boring, ugly graphics, terrible controls, and the fact that not once during the demo did I see the planes I was fighting at; make this one of the worst demos (and according to several reputable sources, one of the worst retail games) I've ever played.
Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty: 1/10
This game had my hopes up. But I've played a LOT of GameCube WWII games, and this was the most unpleasant nostalgia I've ever felt towards them. Boring, cliched weapons. Awful, boring graphics. Faceless, nameless generic characters you don't care one way or the other towards. The same enemies again and again. And the most blatantly linear levels since Super Mario World. Actually, that (far superior, obviously)game had the Minus World, so even that, a 2D dinosaur of a platformer, had more route choices than this steaming pile of shame.
Afro Samurai: 5/10
The best voice acting. The most stylized graphics. The best blood. The most boring, repetitive combat. A.S. doesn't do things halfway, and that's not always a good thing.
Dead Rising: 8/10
It's so easy to accidentally quit. There's a time limit, and venturing too far in any one direction shows you a context-free cutscene, highlight reel of game features, and returns you to the main menu. This is a shame, because it turned away a lot of people from what is truly one of the greatest games of our time.
LOTR: Conquest: 2.5/10
Enemies come at you one and two at a time before you are unleashed in what should be an epic battle, but what really boils down to generic button mashing. I praised the game for its lack of lag, before realizing that most of the enemies on the battlefield were just part of the scenery. Menacing GIFs. I escaped its grasp, despite loving its spiritual predecessor Star Wars Battlefront II. But plenty of people have been suckered into buying this horrible, horrible crime against gamers and smartly returned it, leaving retail outlets who re-ordered to take it in the pants. Not only is it a crime against fans of Battlefront and LOTR, but is an example of how badly opportunity can be wasted in the game industry when a bad game rides on the success of its superior predecessors.
Mirror's Edge: 0.5/10
DO. NOT. WASTE. YOUR. TIME. ON. THIS. CRAP.
Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix: 3/10
Extremely bland, content-free demo with two playable characters (the two most boring, I should add) that will appeal only to arcade Street Fighter fans who want to make sure the control scheme fits their fancy before paying full price.
GRID: 5/10
It's too much of a sim for me (the turns border on impossible) but the replay system (also seen in Duke Nukem 3D) is a great idea and the amount of names and nicknames the game can audibly call you will astound.
Banjo Kazooie: 8.5/10
This hooked me instantly, giving me almost tearfully fond memories of my favourite childhood game, Super Mario 64. The option to buy the game and continue playing being seamlessly integrated, and the fact that some decent gameplay exists without buying full, hooked me right away. It took me ten minutes to decide to buy, and I questioned whether my 1600 (!) points was worth it. Nine hours in and I haven't regretted it for a minute. Sure, it's not for everyone, but if you were (and/or still are) an N64 fanboy (even if you're uninitiated into the Banjo-Kazooie fancircle), this is not to be missed.
Legendary: 3.5/10
Boring, linear gameplay with awkward controls. The whole thing was so insanely mediocre, I can barely remember it.
Army of Two: 8/10
The gay jokes write themselves, but at its core, Army of Two is some good, clean, mindless fun. (Without the clean.) Best co-op moment: My partner dragged me around a corner to heal me. Instead of being grateful and taking the game seriously like he was, my quote was "Now that we're alone..."
Crackdown: 4/10
My enthusiasm for Crackdown was limited to the glory days of 2007, my transition to current-gen, back when any M-rated free-roamer could satisfy me. Now, I realize that none of the game mechanics are even mildly fun (now that I hold games to a standard a little higher than "can you go anywhere?") and the graphics (once considered stylized) fall alarmingly flat and are actually highly annoying.
The Force Unleashed: 3/10
SO. BLAND. No matter how you kill your enemies, it never feels right, and the physics system (other than the well-used Euphoria engine) needs a serious overhaul. The boss battle cannot be won without a quicktime event, and ends in such a boring, unsatisfying manner, you'll wish you'd let him live.
Bomberman LIVE!: 4/10
While I love the Clint Eastwood parody costume (inaccessible in the demo), Bomberman is looking really outdated in the light of better, similar games like LittleBigPlanet and 2007's New Super Mario Bros.
Half-Life 2: Episode 3 Demo: 1/10.
If you've been keeping up, these plot details will probably excite you. If you're like me and you haven't, you will try to kill yourself with the controller in many new and exciting ways as an alternative.
PURE: 8.5/10
I can't see this being fun in the long run, but this plays like a lightweight, ATV port of MotorStorm with some great stylized artwork and fonts.
Battlestations: Midway: 0/10
I think I was playing it wrong, because I would be hard pressed to think of a more miserable game-related experience than this.
LEGO Batman Demo: 7/10
More satisfying combat than previous LEGO titles, especially LEGO Indy, but if you're getting tired of the formula or you're not much of a Batfan, this is not for you.
Bionic Commando: Rearmed
PENDING
Mega Man 9
PENDING
Brothers In Arms: Hell's Highway: 2/10
I was so bored, I actually left to go play Hexic. I HATE HEXIC.
Hitman: Blood Money: 5.5/10
The AI is insanely stupid, and dying far into the mission forces you to repeat the bland, unskippable cutscene at the beginning. Great if you played Splinter Cell and never got detected, but wanted more substantial goals then "go to x and turn on/off y, then retreat back to z with everyone looking for you".
skate.: 4/10
I hate skate. I loved Tony Hawk's ridiculous tricks, lack of any learning curve, and skateboarding game for non-skateboarders mentality. skate., however, takes realism too far the other way, where only skateboarders will love it. If you like the slow-mo science of coordinating your body into simple tricks, you'll love this. But for the rest of us, this is inaccessible skateboring.
Overlord: 8/10
A genuinely funny and fun reversal of traditional roles in a game like Fable or Oblivion, where there are basically no consequences to your actions. Even your little demonic henchmen are loveable. The only problem is, I really hope a lot bigger squads and different unit types balance the bloody boss fights (I lost my entire force in one fell swoop, bringing back painful memories of lost souls on the battlegrounds of Pikmin) in the retail version.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode One: 7.5/10
I'm a rabid Penny Arcade fan, and the series references and humour in their debut game do not disappoint in the slightest. Taking the time to walk around and investigate things will reward you with quite a few laugh-out-loud instances, but the combat is awful at the juncture I reached in the demo. I think having multiple characters in your party should fix the repetitive your-turn, my-turn formulaic combat, but I can't rate the demo based on hope.
Shadowrun: 7.5/10
The magic gameplay gimmicks work nicely, and the bot matches actually had me fooled into thinking I was playing online for a few minutes. However, I can see the game getting old fast. Nothing some DLC couldn't fix, wink wink, nudge nudge, cough cough, make the damn DLC already...
FarCry Instincts: Predator: 3/10
Nothing but boring tacked-on multiplayer with a dedicated fanbase of cheapskates to see here. However, I should mention that the full game is actually very very good.
Conflict: Denied Ops: 2/10
Shoddy graphics, unlikeable characters, and boring combat make up for the bad environments, inexplicable shaky pixels, and confusing level layout. A fantastic demo.* This game only succeeds on one level: There is now a game called Conflict, and it holds my coveted Most Obvious Title award.
*If you are allergic to fun.
Small Arms: 7/10
A blatant Smash Bros ripoff, Small Arms succeeds as a fun little diversion of a game, perfect in small increments (I play the demo while waiting for other demos to download). It's worth the little price tag (400 points)
Superman Returns: 0/10
If you liked Superman 64, you'll love this. Unfortunately, nobody who liked that game will be playing this one, because their straitjackets will prevent proper usage of the controller.
Fatal Inertia: 0/10
This game shouldn't even exist, let alone cost actual money. If it was on Newgrounds, it would be Turd of the Week, hands down. It's beyond being "so bad it's funny". It's just "so bad it hurts in a totally serious way".
Just Cause: 6/10
Fun, but for what it is you may as well buy the very similar (and much better IMHO) game Merceneries 2. A lot more gameplay hours, big expansions on the horizon, and excellent destruction systems will show you a good time. But if you've only got five bucks, 2006's Just Cause provides a few hours of fun and that's about it.
darkSectOr
PENDING
The Club: 10/10
A perfect combination of Tony Hawk's frenetic combo system and Gears of War's third person ridiculousness, The Club is a very unconventional shooter. Go in expecting regular old get to x and kill y objectives, and you'll be surprised. However, if the following equation is more to your liking...
(Tony Hawk - Skateboarding) + Guns - "Famous" skateboarders + Graphics + (Fun x 896,000) = a
Gears of War - Cover system - Gore + Colours - Giant bugs = b
Street Fighter - Everything but great character selection = c
a + b + c = The Club
GO OUT AND BUY IT NOW. YOUR LANDLORD CAN WAIT ANOTHER MONTH.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode Two
PENDING
Beautiful Katamari: 6/10
I had fun, but hated the time limit. Also, I can't imagine the retail has very much longevity.
Quake 4
PENDING
Heavy Weapon: 3/10
A scrolling ground-to-air shooter that recalls similar arcade games, but a lot more boring.
Johnny Platform's Biscuit Romp
PENDING
Assault Heroes: 8/10
It's old, but it's still great. Looks good for the price, and the controls are really solid. But it's not until you play retail multiplayer that you'll truly fall in love with this underrated little gem.
Cloning Clyde: 7/10
Some fun to be had here, but the demo doesn't show off the actual game nearly enough.
FIFA 07: 10/10
The best franchise sports game I've ever played. (Not that that's saying much, but still.)
Assault Heroes 2
PENDING
The Simpsons Game: 1/10
I can't vouch for the rest of the game, but the demo is HORRIBLE.
Basic game mechanics don't work at all, boring to play, uninvolving, easy to get stuck.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09: 8.5/10
Intuitive controls, but my thumb was sore in no time from all the thumbstick action.
Civilization: Revolution: 1.5/10
I can't see myself playing this on a console. Ever.
Turok: 8.5/10
Awesome overall, but the knife kills, which happen very often due to the extremely limited ammo, are way too repetitive.
Duke Nukem 3D: 8.5/10
ALWAYS BET ON DUUUUUUUUUKE
Braid: 3/10
I don't get it at all. I hope the demo is an actual level from the game so I can go check a walkthrough.
Resident Evil 5: 8.5/10
Awkward controls and extreme mortalilty hurt an otherwise fun, engaging experience.
Dead Space {Dismemberment Demo}: 9/10
No HUD and awesome glibs make me happy, but an objective I couldn't complete dampered my fun.
Stranglehold: 10/10
This demo can give you over an hour of potential gameplay, as every time you beat the provided level, you unlock exciting, Woo-inspired new moves that will make your jaw drop when you look at the clock. The most gameplay in a demo thus far, hands down.
Halo Wars: 7/10
I disliked the campaign demo, but Skirmish's freedom and base-building were more my style. However, you can spend two hours bulking up, only to completely thrash the enemy in thirty uninspired seconds. Most of the upgrades are unnecessary, as you can build five Warthogs, equip them with turrets, and demolish the enemy's base before anything happens. In all honesty, the demo was more of a 5.5 than a 7, but I can't wait to see the retail multiplayer, where base building and upgrades will be more Cold War than just cold.
Riddick: Assault On Dark Athena 6/10
You can never can used to one shallow game mechanic before being thrust into another, and the graphics are confusing and oddly coloured. But when it works, it really works.
Watchmen: End Is Nigh 3.5/10
What a horrible adaptation. Steer clear of this repetitive, boring, uninspired crap.
Wanted: Weapons Of Fate 8.5/10
A really fun experience, with hands down the best VO in a game I've ever heard. The demo is worth a download and the game is worth a weekend rental.
Wheelman 9/10
The combat is hugely satisfying and the ability to "airjack" (jump from car to car), plus the (to me at least) surprising addition of guns and onfoot combat. Together, these elements create one of the finest demo experiences I have had in a very long time. One thing that bugged me was when I entered my first side mission, and about half the screen was taken up by my HUD. This soured the whole experience, as I've begun to gravitate towards HUD-less systems in games (Dead Space being the best example).
Tom Clancy's HAWX: 6/10
Not my type of game (I wouldn't spend ten dollars on a flight simulator, much less 70), but for fans of the genre, this beats the sh*t out of...
Ace Combat 6: 2/10
Boring, ugly graphics, terrible controls, and the fact that not once during the demo did I see the planes I was fighting at; make this one of the worst demos (and according to several reputable sources, one of the worst retail games) I've ever played.
Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty: 1/10
This game had my hopes up. But I've played a LOT of GameCube WWII games, and this was the most unpleasant nostalgia I've ever felt towards them. Boring, cliched weapons. Awful, boring graphics. Faceless, nameless generic characters you don't care one way or the other towards. The same enemies again and again. And the most blatantly linear levels since Super Mario World. Actually, that (far superior, obviously)game had the Minus World, so even that, a 2D dinosaur of a platformer, had more route choices than this steaming pile of shame.
Afro Samurai: 5/10
The best voice acting. The most stylized graphics. The best blood. The most boring, repetitive combat. A.S. doesn't do things halfway, and that's not always a good thing.
Dead Rising: 8/10
It's so easy to accidentally quit. There's a time limit, and venturing too far in any one direction shows you a context-free cutscene, highlight reel of game features, and returns you to the main menu. This is a shame, because it turned away a lot of people from what is truly one of the greatest games of our time.
LOTR: Conquest: 2.5/10
Enemies come at you one and two at a time before you are unleashed in what should be an epic battle, but what really boils down to generic button mashing. I praised the game for its lack of lag, before realizing that most of the enemies on the battlefield were just part of the scenery. Menacing GIFs. I escaped its grasp, despite loving its spiritual predecessor Star Wars Battlefront II. But plenty of people have been suckered into buying this horrible, horrible crime against gamers and smartly returned it, leaving retail outlets who re-ordered to take it in the pants. Not only is it a crime against fans of Battlefront and LOTR, but is an example of how badly opportunity can be wasted in the game industry when a bad game rides on the success of its superior predecessors.
Mirror's Edge: 0.5/10
DO. NOT. WASTE. YOUR. TIME. ON. THIS. CRAP.
Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix: 3/10
Extremely bland, content-free demo with two playable characters (the two most boring, I should add) that will appeal only to arcade Street Fighter fans who want to make sure the control scheme fits their fancy before paying full price.
GRID: 5/10
It's too much of a sim for me (the turns border on impossible) but the replay system (also seen in Duke Nukem 3D) is a great idea and the amount of names and nicknames the game can audibly call you will astound.
Banjo Kazooie: 8.5/10
This hooked me instantly, giving me almost tearfully fond memories of my favourite childhood game, Super Mario 64. The option to buy the game and continue playing being seamlessly integrated, and the fact that some decent gameplay exists without buying full, hooked me right away. It took me ten minutes to decide to buy, and I questioned whether my 1600 (!) points was worth it. Nine hours in and I haven't regretted it for a minute. Sure, it's not for everyone, but if you were (and/or still are) an N64 fanboy (even if you're uninitiated into the Banjo-Kazooie fancircle), this is not to be missed.
Legendary: 3.5/10
Boring, linear gameplay with awkward controls. The whole thing was so insanely mediocre, I can barely remember it.
Army of Two: 8/10
The gay jokes write themselves, but at its core, Army of Two is some good, clean, mindless fun. (Without the clean.) Best co-op moment: My partner dragged me around a corner to heal me. Instead of being grateful and taking the game seriously like he was, my quote was "Now that we're alone..."
Crackdown: 4/10
My enthusiasm for Crackdown was limited to the glory days of 2007, my transition to current-gen, back when any M-rated free-roamer could satisfy me. Now, I realize that none of the game mechanics are even mildly fun (now that I hold games to a standard a little higher than "can you go anywhere?") and the graphics (once considered stylized) fall alarmingly flat and are actually highly annoying.
The Force Unleashed: 3/10
SO. BLAND. No matter how you kill your enemies, it never feels right, and the physics system (other than the well-used Euphoria engine) needs a serious overhaul. The boss battle cannot be won without a quicktime event, and ends in such a boring, unsatisfying manner, you'll wish you'd let him live.
Bomberman LIVE!: 4/10
While I love the Clint Eastwood parody costume (inaccessible in the demo), Bomberman is looking really outdated in the light of better, similar games like LittleBigPlanet and 2007's New Super Mario Bros.
Half-Life 2: Episode 3 Demo: 1/10.
If you've been keeping up, these plot details will probably excite you. If you're like me and you haven't, you will try to kill yourself with the controller in many new and exciting ways as an alternative.
PURE: 8.5/10
I can't see this being fun in the long run, but this plays like a lightweight, ATV port of MotorStorm with some great stylized artwork and fonts.
Battlestations: Midway: 0/10
I think I was playing it wrong, because I would be hard pressed to think of a more miserable game-related experience than this.
LEGO Batman Demo: 7/10
More satisfying combat than previous LEGO titles, especially LEGO Indy, but if you're getting tired of the formula or you're not much of a Batfan, this is not for you.
Bionic Commando: Rearmed
PENDING
Mega Man 9
PENDING
Brothers In Arms: Hell's Highway: 2/10
I was so bored, I actually left to go play Hexic. I HATE HEXIC.
Hitman: Blood Money: 5.5/10
The AI is insanely stupid, and dying far into the mission forces you to repeat the bland, unskippable cutscene at the beginning. Great if you played Splinter Cell and never got detected, but wanted more substantial goals then "go to x and turn on/off y, then retreat back to z with everyone looking for you".
skate.: 4/10
I hate skate. I loved Tony Hawk's ridiculous tricks, lack of any learning curve, and skateboarding game for non-skateboarders mentality. skate., however, takes realism too far the other way, where only skateboarders will love it. If you like the slow-mo science of coordinating your body into simple tricks, you'll love this. But for the rest of us, this is inaccessible skateboring.
Overlord: 8/10
A genuinely funny and fun reversal of traditional roles in a game like Fable or Oblivion, where there are basically no consequences to your actions. Even your little demonic henchmen are loveable. The only problem is, I really hope a lot bigger squads and different unit types balance the bloody boss fights (I lost my entire force in one fell swoop, bringing back painful memories of lost souls on the battlegrounds of Pikmin) in the retail version.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode One: 7.5/10
I'm a rabid Penny Arcade fan, and the series references and humour in their debut game do not disappoint in the slightest. Taking the time to walk around and investigate things will reward you with quite a few laugh-out-loud instances, but the combat is awful at the juncture I reached in the demo. I think having multiple characters in your party should fix the repetitive your-turn, my-turn formulaic combat, but I can't rate the demo based on hope.
Shadowrun: 7.5/10
The magic gameplay gimmicks work nicely, and the bot matches actually had me fooled into thinking I was playing online for a few minutes. However, I can see the game getting old fast. Nothing some DLC couldn't fix, wink wink, nudge nudge, cough cough, make the damn DLC already...
FarCry Instincts: Predator: 3/10
Nothing but boring tacked-on multiplayer with a dedicated fanbase of cheapskates to see here. However, I should mention that the full game is actually very very good.
Conflict: Denied Ops: 2/10
Shoddy graphics, unlikeable characters, and boring combat make up for the bad environments, inexplicable shaky pixels, and confusing level layout. A fantastic demo.* This game only succeeds on one level: There is now a game called Conflict, and it holds my coveted Most Obvious Title award.
*If you are allergic to fun.
Small Arms: 7/10
A blatant Smash Bros ripoff, Small Arms succeeds as a fun little diversion of a game, perfect in small increments (I play the demo while waiting for other demos to download). It's worth the little price tag (400 points)
Superman Returns: 0/10
If you liked Superman 64, you'll love this. Unfortunately, nobody who liked that game will be playing this one, because their straitjackets will prevent proper usage of the controller.
Fatal Inertia: 0/10
This game shouldn't even exist, let alone cost actual money. If it was on Newgrounds, it would be Turd of the Week, hands down. It's beyond being "so bad it's funny". It's just "so bad it hurts in a totally serious way".
Just Cause: 6/10
Fun, but for what it is you may as well buy the very similar (and much better IMHO) game Merceneries 2. A lot more gameplay hours, big expansions on the horizon, and excellent destruction systems will show you a good time. But if you've only got five bucks, 2006's Just Cause provides a few hours of fun and that's about it.
darkSectOr
PENDING
The Club: 10/10
A perfect combination of Tony Hawk's frenetic combo system and Gears of War's third person ridiculousness, The Club is a very unconventional shooter. Go in expecting regular old get to x and kill y objectives, and you'll be surprised. However, if the following equation is more to your liking...
(Tony Hawk - Skateboarding) + Guns - "Famous" skateboarders + Graphics + (Fun x 896,000) = a
Gears of War - Cover system - Gore + Colours - Giant bugs = b
Street Fighter - Everything but great character selection = c
a + b + c = The Club
GO OUT AND BUY IT NOW. YOUR LANDLORD CAN WAIT ANOTHER MONTH.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode Two
PENDING
Beautiful Katamari: 6/10
I had fun, but hated the time limit. Also, I can't imagine the retail has very much longevity.
Quake 4
PENDING
Heavy Weapon: 3/10
A scrolling ground-to-air shooter that recalls similar arcade games, but a lot more boring.
Johnny Platform's Biscuit Romp
PENDING
Assault Heroes: 8/10
It's old, but it's still great. Looks good for the price, and the controls are really solid. But it's not until you play retail multiplayer that you'll truly fall in love with this underrated little gem.
Cloning Clyde: 7/10
Some fun to be had here, but the demo doesn't show off the actual game nearly enough.
FIFA 07: 10/10
The best franchise sports game I've ever played. (Not that that's saying much, but still.)
Assault Heroes 2
PENDING
The Simpsons Game: 1/10
I can't vouch for the rest of the game, but the demo is HORRIBLE.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
My theory on ADD.
As you know if you've spoken to me for a few minutes in person, I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder, not to be confused with ADHD). It's more of an inconvenience than a disability, in my case. I don't suffer from it, and I don't compare it to any other learning disability. I'd like to preface this by saying I am not complaining, and I think that ADD is preferable to any other learning disability, and my heart goes out to the sufferers of autism, Down's syndrome, and other disabilities.
Now, my theory.
Many researchers suggest that having your baby listen to Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and other classical music will subliminally train their brain and make them "smarter" (read: better adjusted to school learning). But what kind of music was I subjected to as a kid?
Country.
It makes perfect sense. Country is the exact polar opposite of classical. Classical is refined, and country is about dogs, divorce, and pickup trucks. Classical is for reading to, and country is fer square dancin'. Classical makes your baby smarter, and country destroys them from the inside.
The more I thought about this, the more it made sense. Whereas classical music is complex and interesting (causing babies to focus on it and learn to perform single tasks carefully from an early age), country music is so Goddamn horrible that it trains your brain to look for distractions. That's why instead of reading my physics homework, I'm staring out the window trying to figure out out what it says on someone's shirt, as my fingers tap a random, repetitive beat on the table, my brain thinks about that one TV show I used to watch when I was seven, and I realize that the floor looks a lot like a maze from the right angle. It's a Darwinian survival device created by the human brain to deal with excruciating, mind-bending pain.
It also explains why my brain doesn't remember anything not directly related to my immediate survival. Have you ever had the lyrics to a country song stuck in your head? Like, not just the one horrible, horrible guitar that the entire industry seems to share, but the actual lyrics?
For example.
"XXL"
by Keith Anderson
"Country cuties in Texas, string bikinis in Florida;
Barbie dolls drivin' Lexus' out in California:
A skinny little pretty boy ain't what they wanna hold.
They want a real man with meat on his bones.
I'll yank their yankees, ring their southern bells:
They say: "Ooh, brrr, we love a double XL. "
If Keith Anderson's make-believe world where sane women with decent vision and not at gunpoint want to even consider rubbing their dirty parts all over his beer belly doesn't disturb you, then I don't even want to consider what does.
Now, my theory.
Many researchers suggest that having your baby listen to Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, and other classical music will subliminally train their brain and make them "smarter" (read: better adjusted to school learning). But what kind of music was I subjected to as a kid?
Country.
It makes perfect sense. Country is the exact polar opposite of classical. Classical is refined, and country is about dogs, divorce, and pickup trucks. Classical is for reading to, and country is fer square dancin'. Classical makes your baby smarter, and country destroys them from the inside.
The more I thought about this, the more it made sense. Whereas classical music is complex and interesting (causing babies to focus on it and learn to perform single tasks carefully from an early age), country music is so Goddamn horrible that it trains your brain to look for distractions. That's why instead of reading my physics homework, I'm staring out the window trying to figure out out what it says on someone's shirt, as my fingers tap a random, repetitive beat on the table, my brain thinks about that one TV show I used to watch when I was seven, and I realize that the floor looks a lot like a maze from the right angle. It's a Darwinian survival device created by the human brain to deal with excruciating, mind-bending pain.
It also explains why my brain doesn't remember anything not directly related to my immediate survival. Have you ever had the lyrics to a country song stuck in your head? Like, not just the one horrible, horrible guitar that the entire industry seems to share, but the actual lyrics?
For example.
"XXL"
by Keith Anderson
"Country cuties in Texas, string bikinis in Florida;
Barbie dolls drivin' Lexus' out in California:
A skinny little pretty boy ain't what they wanna hold.
They want a real man with meat on his bones.
I'll yank their yankees, ring their southern bells:
They say: "Ooh, brrr, we love a double XL. "
If Keith Anderson's make-believe world where sane women with decent vision and not at gunpoint want to even consider rubbing their dirty parts all over his beer belly doesn't disturb you, then I don't even want to consider what does.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Internet disgusts me.
Just look at this shit:
I assume that they mean that certain content is not available in the Canadian iTunes store. There is a simple reason for this: they don't have the rights to host that content in this country yet.
The image people seem to get is that of a bunch of fat cats in business suits sitting around a poker table in a smoky, dimly lit room. As they are massaged by 3,000 dollar per hour escorts, a sniveling assistant in a labcoat goes through a folder and calls out the names of hit television shows, audiobooks, and podcasts, and they decide which will be released in Canada. As they turn away content after content, they laugh maniacally. Suddenly, they notice an iMix called ITUNES UNFAIR TO CANADA (rate 5 stars to agree). In a panic, they hurriedly release the content, with its owners at NBC happily giving away the sales rights to whoever arrives at the door with f***ing cookies.
Just had to get that off my chest.
I assume that they mean that certain content is not available in the Canadian iTunes store. There is a simple reason for this: they don't have the rights to host that content in this country yet.
The image people seem to get is that of a bunch of fat cats in business suits sitting around a poker table in a smoky, dimly lit room. As they are massaged by 3,000 dollar per hour escorts, a sniveling assistant in a labcoat goes through a folder and calls out the names of hit television shows, audiobooks, and podcasts, and they decide which will be released in Canada. As they turn away content after content, they laugh maniacally. Suddenly, they notice an iMix called ITUNES UNFAIR TO CANADA (rate 5 stars to agree). In a panic, they hurriedly release the content, with its owners at NBC happily giving away the sales rights to whoever arrives at the door with f***ing cookies.
Just had to get that off my chest.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
More like POTcasts
Honest to God, I can't get enough podcasts. They're like crack since I got a 500GB external hard drive. Anyway, here's a screenshot, click to enlarge:
This is becoming a problem.
Because I forgot to include them in the cap, here's my podstats:
4429 individual episodes
28 days, 15 hours total runtime
117.11 GB of podcasts
This is becoming a problem.
Because I forgot to include them in the cap, here's my podstats:
4429 individual episodes
28 days, 15 hours total runtime
117.11 GB of podcasts
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Re: UMG
Just days from the date at which I was planning to leave YouTube for a less "regulated" (read: fascist) hosting site, UMG made a very good decision, and one which I think (finally!) satisfies both record company suits and YouTubers: Instead of blocking every video with a ten second clip of a song, they have added a button at the bottom of the video (not disruptive, not ugly, and not a badge of shame) which takes the viewer directly to the iTunes purchase page for that song. Not only does this allow honest YouTube users to post videos that have the soundtracks they actually want to use, it will also eliminate redundant "WAT IS TEH SONG" comments at the bottom of the page.
Up until this happened, I was only purchasing music from iTunes when I knew that not one penny would go to UMG. Now, I am buying the occasional song as money permits (and pirating the rest), in an attempt to reward their clever PR representatives or whoever came up with this idea for allowing me to use my full potential as a director. To anyone trolling Blogspot at UMG: Well done.
Also: Thank you to Apple for removing DRM from purchased songs two months ahead of schedule, and for introducing graduated pricing (which only affects me positively, as I have very obscure musical tastes). Now, I have a reason to buy things on iTunes that aren't every episode of Important Things With Demetri Martin.
Up until this happened, I was only purchasing music from iTunes when I knew that not one penny would go to UMG. Now, I am buying the occasional song as money permits (and pirating the rest), in an attempt to reward their clever PR representatives or whoever came up with this idea for allowing me to use my full potential as a director. To anyone trolling Blogspot at UMG: Well done.
Also: Thank you to Apple for removing DRM from purchased songs two months ahead of schedule, and for introducing graduated pricing (which only affects me positively, as I have very obscure musical tastes). Now, I have a reason to buy things on iTunes that aren't every episode of Important Things With Demetri Martin.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
You just might learn something
I will be teaching you about the world from now on. YOUR TEACHER IS A LIAR. AND GUESS WHAT KIDS. SHE'S ALSO AN ALIEN VAMPIRE WOLF WHO JUST WANTS TO EAT YOUR ARMS.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Billy - Official Site
Since it might get annoying to have one huge block of Billy updates, in the archives, all further Billy updates and posters will be posted here from now on.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Musick vol II
Bush - Mouth
At The Drive In - Cosmonaut
David Bowie - Space Oddity
Pearl Jam - Even Flow
MGMT - Weekend Wars
Wale ft. Lady GaGa - Chillin'
Paramore - For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic
Nirvana - Oh Me (Live at MTV Unplugged)
The Lonely Island - Just Two Guys
At The Drive In - Cosmonaut
David Bowie - Space Oddity
Pearl Jam - Even Flow
MGMT - Weekend Wars
Wale ft. Lady GaGa - Chillin'
Paramore - For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic
Nirvana - Oh Me (Live at MTV Unplugged)
The Lonely Island - Just Two Guys
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Billy poster 1
As you may or may not have heard, I am co-directing a feature film with Garret Cree this summer. Though we haven't officially chosen a name yet, here's a poster I created with the likely cast ant tentative working title on it.
Friday, March 13, 2009
New Screaming Moose logo
Fun Fact: If you lick your screen right above this sentence, it tastes like citrus.
If you did it, wipe off your screen and stock up on things to do around the house. You have just lost the priveleges of driving and voting, for the safety of others.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
XBLA Demo Review Archive [LAST UPDATED 21/03/09]
TimeShift: 2/10
Basic game mechanics don't work at all, boring to play, uninvolving, easy to get stuck.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09: 8.5/10
Intuitive controls, but my thumb was sore in no time from all the thumbstick action.
Civilization: Revolution: 1.5/10
I can't see myself playing this on a console. Ever.
Turok: 8.5/10
Awesome overall, but the knife kills, which happen very often due to the extremely limited ammo, are way too repetitive.
Duke Nukem 3D: 8.5/10
ALWAYS BET ON DUUUUUUUUUKE
Braid: 3/10
I don't get it at all. I hope the demo is an actual level from the game so I can go check a walkthrough.
Resident Evil 5: 8.5/10
Awkward controls and extreme mortalilty hurt an otherwise fun, engaging experience.
Dead Space {Dismemberment Demo}: 9/10
No HUD and awesome glibs make me happy, but an objective I couldn't complete dampered my fun.
Stranglehold: 10/10
This demo can give you over an hour of potential gameplay, as every time you beat the provided level, you unlock exciting, Woo-inspired new moves that will make your jaw drop when you look at the clock. The most gameplay in a demo thus far, hands down.
Halo Wars: 7/10
I disliked the campaign demo, but Skirmish's freedom and base-building were more my style. However, you can spend two hours bulking up, only to completely thrash the enemy in thirty uninspired seconds. Most of the upgrades are unnecessary, as you can build five Warthogs, equip them with turrets, and demolish the enemy's base before anything happens. In all honesty, the demo was more of a 5.5 than a 7, but I can't wait to see the retail multiplayer, where base building and upgrades will be more Cold War than just cold.
Riddick: Assault On Dark Athena
PENDING
Watchmen: End Is Nigh
PENDING
Wanted
PENDING
Wheelman 9/10
The combat is hugely satisfying and the ability to "airjack" (jump from car to car), plus the (to me at least) surprising addition of guns and onfoot combat. Together, these elements create one of the finest demo experiences I have had in a very long time. One thing that bugged me was when I entered my first side mission, and about half the screen was taken up by my HUD. This soured the whole experience, as I've begun to gravitate towards HUD-less systems in games (Dead Space being the best example).
Tom Clancy's HAWX: 6/10
Not my type of game (I wouldn't spend ten dollars on a flight simulator, much less 70), but for fans of the genre, this beats the sh*t out of...
Ace Combat 6: 2/10
Boring, ugly graphics, terrible controls, and the fact that not once during the demo did I see the planes I was fighting at; make this one of the worst demos (and according to several reputable sources, one of the worst retail games) I've ever played.
Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty: 1/10
This game had my hopes up. But I've played a LOT of GameCube WWII games, and this was the most unpleasant nostalgia I've ever felt towards them. Boring, cliched weapons. Awful, boring graphics. Faceless, nameless generic characters you don't care one way or the other towards. The same enemies again and again. And the most blatantly linear levels since Super Mario World. Actually, that (far superior, obviously)game had the Minus World, so even that, a 2D dinosaur of a platformer, had more route choices than this steaming pile of shame.
Afro Samurai: 5/10
The best voice acting. The most stylized graphics. The best blood. The most boring, repetitive combat. A.S. doesn't do things halfway, and that's not always a good thing.
Dead Rising: 8/10
It's so easy to accidentally quit. There's a time limit, and venturing too far in any one direction shows you a context-free cutscene, highlight reel of game features, and returns you to the main menu. This is a shame, because it turned away a lot of people from what is truly one of the greatest games of our time.
LOTR: Conquest: 2.5/10
Enemies come at you one and two at a time before you are unleashed in what should be an epic battle, but what really boils down to generic button mashing. I praised the game for its lack of lag, before realizing that most of the enemies on the battlefield were just part of the scenery. Menacing GIFs. I escaped its grasp, despite loving its spiritual predecessor Star Wars Battlefront II. But plenty of people have been suckered into buying this horrible, horrible crime against gamers and smartly returned it, leaving retail outlets who re-ordered to take it in the pants. Not only is it a crime against fans of Battlefront and LOTR, but is an example of how badly opportunity can be wasted in the game industry when a bad game rides on the success of its superior predecessors.
Mirror's Edge: 0.5/10
DO. NOT. WASTE. YOUR. TIME. ON. THIS. CRAP.
Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix: 3/10
Extremely bland, content-free demo with two playable characters (the two most boring, I should add) that will appeal only to arcade Street Fighter fans who want to make sure the control scheme fits their fancy before paying full price.
GRID: 5/10
It's too much of a sim for me (the turns border on impossible) but the replay system (also seen in Duke Nukem 3D) is a great idea and the amount of names and nicknames the game can audibly call you will astound.
Banjo Kazooie: 8.5/10
This hooked me instantly, giving me almost tearfully fond memories of my favourite childhood game, Super Mario 64. The option to buy the game and continue playing being seamlessly integrated, and the fact that some decent gameplay exists without buying full, hooked me right away. It took me ten minutes to decide to buy, and I questioned whether my 1600 (!) points was worth it. Nine hours in and I haven't regretted it for a minute. Sure, it's not for everyone, but if you were (and/or still are) an N64 fanboy (even if you're uninitiated into the Banjo-Kazooie fancircle), this is not to be missed.
Legendary: 3.5/10
Boring, linear gameplay with awkward controls. The whole thing was so insanely mediocre, I can barely remember it.
Army of Two: 8/10
The gay jokes are endless, but at its core, Army of Two is some good, clean, mindless fun. (Without the clean.) Best co-op moment: My partner dragged me around a corner to heal me. Instead of being grateful and taking the game seriously like he was, my quote was "Now that we're alone..."
Crackdown: 4/10
My enthusiasm for Crackdown was limited to the glory days of 2007, my transition to current-gen, back when any M-rated free-roamer could satisfy me. Now, I realize that none of the game mechanics are even mildly fun (now that I hold games to a standard a little higher than "can you go anywhere?") and the graphics (once considered stylized) fall alarmingly flat and are actually highly annoying.
The Force Unleashed: 3/10
SO. BLAND. No matter how you kill your enemies, it never feels right, and the physics system (other than the well-used Euphoria engine) needs a serious overhaul. The boss battle cannot be won without a quicktime event, and ends in such a boring, unsatisfying manner, you'll wish you'd let him live.
Bomberman LIVE!: 4/10
While I love the Clint Eastwood parody costume (inaccessible in the demo), Bomberman is looking really outdated in the light of better, similar games like LittleBigPlanet and 2007's New Super Mario Bros.
Half-Life 2: Episode 3 Demo: 1/10.
If you've been keeping up, these plot details will probably excite you. If you're like me and you haven't, you will try to kill yourself with the controller in many new and exciting ways as an alternative.
PURE: 8.5/10
I can't see this being fun in the long run, but this plays like a lightweight, ATV port of MotorStorm with some great stylized artwork and fonts.
Battlestations: Midway: 0/10
I think I was playing it wrong, because I would be hard pressed to think of a more miserable game-related experience than this.
LEGO Batman Demo: 7/10
More satisfying combat than previous LEGO titles, especially LEGO Indy, but if you're getting tired of the formula or you're not much of a Batfan, this is not for you.
Bionic Commando: Rearmed
PENDING
Mega Man 9
PENDING
Brothers In Arms: Hell's Highway: 2/10
I was so bored, I actually left to go play Hexic. I HATE HEXIC.
Hitman: Blood Money: 5.5/10
The AI is insanely stupid, and dying far into the mission forces you to repeat the bland, unskippable cutscene at the beginning. Great if you played Splinter Cell and never got detected, but wanted more substantial goals then "go to x and turn on/off y, then retreat back to z with everyone looking for you".
skate.: 4/10
I hate skate. I loved Tony Hawk's ridiculous tricks, lack of any learning curve, and skateboarding game for non-skateboarders mentality. skate., however, takes realism too far the other way, where only skateboarders will love it. If you like the slow-mo science of coordinating your body into simple tricks, you'll love this. But for the rest of us, this is inaccessible skateboring.
Overlord: 8/10
A genuinely funny and fun reversal of traditional roles in a game like Fable or Oblivion, where there are basically no consequences to your actions. Even your little demonic henchmen are loveable. The only problem is, I really hope a lot bigger squads and different unit types balance the bloody boss fights (I lost my entire force in one fell swoop, bringing back painful memories of lost souls on the battlegrounds of Pikmin) in the retail version.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode One: 7.5/10
I'm a rabid Penny Arcade fan, and the series references and humour in their debut game do not disappoint in the slightest. Taking the time to walk around and investigate things will reward you with quite a few laugh-out-loud instances, but the combat is awful at the juncture I reached in the demo. I think having multiple characters in your party should fix the repetitive your-turn, my-turn formulaic combat, but I can't rate the demo based on hope.
Shadowrun: 7.5/10
The magic gameplay gimmicks work nicely, and the bot matches actually had me fooled into thinking I was playing online for a few minutes. However, I can see the game getting old fast. Nothing some DLC couldn't fix, wink wink, nudge nudge, cough cough, make the damn DLC already...
FarCry Instincts: Predator: 3/10
Nothing but boring tacked-on multiplayer with a dedicated fanbase of cheapskates to see here. However, I should mention that the full game is actually very very good.
Conflict: Denied Ops: 2/10
Shoddy graphics, unlikeable characters, and boring combat make up for the bad environments, inexplicable shaky pixels, and confusing level layout. A fantastic demo.* This game only succeeds on one level: There is now a game called Conflict, and it holds my coveted Most Obvious Title award.
*If you are allergic to fun.
Small Arms: 7/10
A blatant Smash Bros ripoff, Small Arms succeeds as a fun little diversion of a game, perfect in small increments (I play the demo while waiting for other demos to download). It's worth the little price tag (400 points)
Superman Returns: 0/10
If you liked Superman 64, you'll love this. Unfortunately, nobody who liked that game will be playing this one, because their straitjackets will prevent proper usage of the controller.
Fatal Inertia: 0/10
This game shouldn't even exist, let alone cost actual money. If it was on Newgrounds, it would be Turd of the Week, hands down. It's beyond being "so bad it's funny". It's just "so bad it hurts in a totally serious way".
Just Cause: 6/10
Fun, but for what it is you may as well buy the very similar (and much better IMHO) game Merceneries 2. A lot more gameplay hours, big expansions on the horizon, and excellent destruction systems will show you a good time. But if you've only got five bucks, 2006's Just Cause provides a few hours of fun and that's about it.
darkSectOr
PENDING
The Club: 10/10
A perfect combination of Tony Hawk's frenetic combo system and Gears of War's third person ridiculousness, The Club is a very unconventional shooter. Go in expecting regular old get to x and kill y objectives, and you'll be surprised. However, if the following equation is more to your liking...
(Tony Hawk - Skateboarding) + Guns - "Famous" skateboarders + Graphics + (Fun x 896,000) = a
Gears of War - Cover system - Gore + Colours - Giant bugs = b
Street Fighter - Everything but great character selection = c
a + b + c = The Club
GO OUT AND BUY IT NOW. YOUR LANDLORD CAN WAIT ANOTHER MONTH.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode Two
PENDING
Beautiful Katamari: 6/10
I had fun, but haed the time limit. Also, I can't imagine the retail has very much longevity.
Quake 4
PENDING
Heavy Weapon: 3/10
A scrolling ground-to-air shooter that recalls similar arcade games, but a lot more boring.
Johnny Platform's Biscuit Romp
PENDING
Assault Heroes: 8/10
It's old, but it's still great. Looks good for the price, and the controls are really solid. But it's not until you play retail multiplayer that you'll truly fall in love with this underrated little gem.
Cloning Clyde: 7/10
Some fun to be had here, but the demo doesn't show off the actual game nearly enough.
FIFA 07: 10/10
The best franchise sports game I've ever played. (Not that that's saying much, but still.)
Assault Heroes 2
PENDING
The Simpsons Game: 3/10
I can't vouch for the rest of the game, but the demo is HORRIBLE.
Basic game mechanics don't work at all, boring to play, uninvolving, easy to get stuck.
Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09: 8.5/10
Intuitive controls, but my thumb was sore in no time from all the thumbstick action.
Civilization: Revolution: 1.5/10
I can't see myself playing this on a console. Ever.
Turok: 8.5/10
Awesome overall, but the knife kills, which happen very often due to the extremely limited ammo, are way too repetitive.
Duke Nukem 3D: 8.5/10
ALWAYS BET ON DUUUUUUUUUKE
Braid: 3/10
I don't get it at all. I hope the demo is an actual level from the game so I can go check a walkthrough.
Resident Evil 5: 8.5/10
Awkward controls and extreme mortalilty hurt an otherwise fun, engaging experience.
Dead Space {Dismemberment Demo}: 9/10
No HUD and awesome glibs make me happy, but an objective I couldn't complete dampered my fun.
Stranglehold: 10/10
This demo can give you over an hour of potential gameplay, as every time you beat the provided level, you unlock exciting, Woo-inspired new moves that will make your jaw drop when you look at the clock. The most gameplay in a demo thus far, hands down.
Halo Wars: 7/10
I disliked the campaign demo, but Skirmish's freedom and base-building were more my style. However, you can spend two hours bulking up, only to completely thrash the enemy in thirty uninspired seconds. Most of the upgrades are unnecessary, as you can build five Warthogs, equip them with turrets, and demolish the enemy's base before anything happens. In all honesty, the demo was more of a 5.5 than a 7, but I can't wait to see the retail multiplayer, where base building and upgrades will be more Cold War than just cold.
Riddick: Assault On Dark Athena
PENDING
Watchmen: End Is Nigh
PENDING
Wanted
PENDING
Wheelman 9/10
The combat is hugely satisfying and the ability to "airjack" (jump from car to car), plus the (to me at least) surprising addition of guns and onfoot combat. Together, these elements create one of the finest demo experiences I have had in a very long time. One thing that bugged me was when I entered my first side mission, and about half the screen was taken up by my HUD. This soured the whole experience, as I've begun to gravitate towards HUD-less systems in games (Dead Space being the best example).
Tom Clancy's HAWX: 6/10
Not my type of game (I wouldn't spend ten dollars on a flight simulator, much less 70), but for fans of the genre, this beats the sh*t out of...
Ace Combat 6: 2/10
Boring, ugly graphics, terrible controls, and the fact that not once during the demo did I see the planes I was fighting at; make this one of the worst demos (and according to several reputable sources, one of the worst retail games) I've ever played.
Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty: 1/10
This game had my hopes up. But I've played a LOT of GameCube WWII games, and this was the most unpleasant nostalgia I've ever felt towards them. Boring, cliched weapons. Awful, boring graphics. Faceless, nameless generic characters you don't care one way or the other towards. The same enemies again and again. And the most blatantly linear levels since Super Mario World. Actually, that (far superior, obviously)game had the Minus World, so even that, a 2D dinosaur of a platformer, had more route choices than this steaming pile of shame.
Afro Samurai: 5/10
The best voice acting. The most stylized graphics. The best blood. The most boring, repetitive combat. A.S. doesn't do things halfway, and that's not always a good thing.
Dead Rising: 8/10
It's so easy to accidentally quit. There's a time limit, and venturing too far in any one direction shows you a context-free cutscene, highlight reel of game features, and returns you to the main menu. This is a shame, because it turned away a lot of people from what is truly one of the greatest games of our time.
LOTR: Conquest: 2.5/10
Enemies come at you one and two at a time before you are unleashed in what should be an epic battle, but what really boils down to generic button mashing. I praised the game for its lack of lag, before realizing that most of the enemies on the battlefield were just part of the scenery. Menacing GIFs. I escaped its grasp, despite loving its spiritual predecessor Star Wars Battlefront II. But plenty of people have been suckered into buying this horrible, horrible crime against gamers and smartly returned it, leaving retail outlets who re-ordered to take it in the pants. Not only is it a crime against fans of Battlefront and LOTR, but is an example of how badly opportunity can be wasted in the game industry when a bad game rides on the success of its superior predecessors.
Mirror's Edge: 0.5/10
DO. NOT. WASTE. YOUR. TIME. ON. THIS. CRAP.
Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix: 3/10
Extremely bland, content-free demo with two playable characters (the two most boring, I should add) that will appeal only to arcade Street Fighter fans who want to make sure the control scheme fits their fancy before paying full price.
GRID: 5/10
It's too much of a sim for me (the turns border on impossible) but the replay system (also seen in Duke Nukem 3D) is a great idea and the amount of names and nicknames the game can audibly call you will astound.
Banjo Kazooie: 8.5/10
This hooked me instantly, giving me almost tearfully fond memories of my favourite childhood game, Super Mario 64. The option to buy the game and continue playing being seamlessly integrated, and the fact that some decent gameplay exists without buying full, hooked me right away. It took me ten minutes to decide to buy, and I questioned whether my 1600 (!) points was worth it. Nine hours in and I haven't regretted it for a minute. Sure, it's not for everyone, but if you were (and/or still are) an N64 fanboy (even if you're uninitiated into the Banjo-Kazooie fancircle), this is not to be missed.
Legendary: 3.5/10
Boring, linear gameplay with awkward controls. The whole thing was so insanely mediocre, I can barely remember it.
Army of Two: 8/10
The gay jokes are endless, but at its core, Army of Two is some good, clean, mindless fun. (Without the clean.) Best co-op moment: My partner dragged me around a corner to heal me. Instead of being grateful and taking the game seriously like he was, my quote was "Now that we're alone..."
Crackdown: 4/10
My enthusiasm for Crackdown was limited to the glory days of 2007, my transition to current-gen, back when any M-rated free-roamer could satisfy me. Now, I realize that none of the game mechanics are even mildly fun (now that I hold games to a standard a little higher than "can you go anywhere?") and the graphics (once considered stylized) fall alarmingly flat and are actually highly annoying.
The Force Unleashed: 3/10
SO. BLAND. No matter how you kill your enemies, it never feels right, and the physics system (other than the well-used Euphoria engine) needs a serious overhaul. The boss battle cannot be won without a quicktime event, and ends in such a boring, unsatisfying manner, you'll wish you'd let him live.
Bomberman LIVE!: 4/10
While I love the Clint Eastwood parody costume (inaccessible in the demo), Bomberman is looking really outdated in the light of better, similar games like LittleBigPlanet and 2007's New Super Mario Bros.
Half-Life 2: Episode 3 Demo: 1/10.
If you've been keeping up, these plot details will probably excite you. If you're like me and you haven't, you will try to kill yourself with the controller in many new and exciting ways as an alternative.
PURE: 8.5/10
I can't see this being fun in the long run, but this plays like a lightweight, ATV port of MotorStorm with some great stylized artwork and fonts.
Battlestations: Midway: 0/10
I think I was playing it wrong, because I would be hard pressed to think of a more miserable game-related experience than this.
LEGO Batman Demo: 7/10
More satisfying combat than previous LEGO titles, especially LEGO Indy, but if you're getting tired of the formula or you're not much of a Batfan, this is not for you.
Bionic Commando: Rearmed
PENDING
Mega Man 9
PENDING
Brothers In Arms: Hell's Highway: 2/10
I was so bored, I actually left to go play Hexic. I HATE HEXIC.
Hitman: Blood Money: 5.5/10
The AI is insanely stupid, and dying far into the mission forces you to repeat the bland, unskippable cutscene at the beginning. Great if you played Splinter Cell and never got detected, but wanted more substantial goals then "go to x and turn on/off y, then retreat back to z with everyone looking for you".
skate.: 4/10
I hate skate. I loved Tony Hawk's ridiculous tricks, lack of any learning curve, and skateboarding game for non-skateboarders mentality. skate., however, takes realism too far the other way, where only skateboarders will love it. If you like the slow-mo science of coordinating your body into simple tricks, you'll love this. But for the rest of us, this is inaccessible skateboring.
Overlord: 8/10
A genuinely funny and fun reversal of traditional roles in a game like Fable or Oblivion, where there are basically no consequences to your actions. Even your little demonic henchmen are loveable. The only problem is, I really hope a lot bigger squads and different unit types balance the bloody boss fights (I lost my entire force in one fell swoop, bringing back painful memories of lost souls on the battlegrounds of Pikmin) in the retail version.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode One: 7.5/10
I'm a rabid Penny Arcade fan, and the series references and humour in their debut game do not disappoint in the slightest. Taking the time to walk around and investigate things will reward you with quite a few laugh-out-loud instances, but the combat is awful at the juncture I reached in the demo. I think having multiple characters in your party should fix the repetitive your-turn, my-turn formulaic combat, but I can't rate the demo based on hope.
Shadowrun: 7.5/10
The magic gameplay gimmicks work nicely, and the bot matches actually had me fooled into thinking I was playing online for a few minutes. However, I can see the game getting old fast. Nothing some DLC couldn't fix, wink wink, nudge nudge, cough cough, make the damn DLC already...
FarCry Instincts: Predator: 3/10
Nothing but boring tacked-on multiplayer with a dedicated fanbase of cheapskates to see here. However, I should mention that the full game is actually very very good.
Conflict: Denied Ops: 2/10
Shoddy graphics, unlikeable characters, and boring combat make up for the bad environments, inexplicable shaky pixels, and confusing level layout. A fantastic demo.* This game only succeeds on one level: There is now a game called Conflict, and it holds my coveted Most Obvious Title award.
*If you are allergic to fun.
Small Arms: 7/10
A blatant Smash Bros ripoff, Small Arms succeeds as a fun little diversion of a game, perfect in small increments (I play the demo while waiting for other demos to download). It's worth the little price tag (400 points)
Superman Returns: 0/10
If you liked Superman 64, you'll love this. Unfortunately, nobody who liked that game will be playing this one, because their straitjackets will prevent proper usage of the controller.
Fatal Inertia: 0/10
This game shouldn't even exist, let alone cost actual money. If it was on Newgrounds, it would be Turd of the Week, hands down. It's beyond being "so bad it's funny". It's just "so bad it hurts in a totally serious way".
Just Cause: 6/10
Fun, but for what it is you may as well buy the very similar (and much better IMHO) game Merceneries 2. A lot more gameplay hours, big expansions on the horizon, and excellent destruction systems will show you a good time. But if you've only got five bucks, 2006's Just Cause provides a few hours of fun and that's about it.
darkSectOr
PENDING
The Club: 10/10
A perfect combination of Tony Hawk's frenetic combo system and Gears of War's third person ridiculousness, The Club is a very unconventional shooter. Go in expecting regular old get to x and kill y objectives, and you'll be surprised. However, if the following equation is more to your liking...
(Tony Hawk - Skateboarding) + Guns - "Famous" skateboarders + Graphics + (Fun x 896,000) = a
Gears of War - Cover system - Gore + Colours - Giant bugs = b
Street Fighter - Everything but great character selection = c
a + b + c = The Club
GO OUT AND BUY IT NOW. YOUR LANDLORD CAN WAIT ANOTHER MONTH.
Penny Arcade: On The Rain Slick Precipice Of Darkness Episode Two
PENDING
Beautiful Katamari: 6/10
I had fun, but haed the time limit. Also, I can't imagine the retail has very much longevity.
Quake 4
PENDING
Heavy Weapon: 3/10
A scrolling ground-to-air shooter that recalls similar arcade games, but a lot more boring.
Johnny Platform's Biscuit Romp
PENDING
Assault Heroes: 8/10
It's old, but it's still great. Looks good for the price, and the controls are really solid. But it's not until you play retail multiplayer that you'll truly fall in love with this underrated little gem.
Cloning Clyde: 7/10
Some fun to be had here, but the demo doesn't show off the actual game nearly enough.
FIFA 07: 10/10
The best franchise sports game I've ever played. (Not that that's saying much, but still.)
Assault Heroes 2
PENDING
The Simpsons Game: 3/10
I can't vouch for the rest of the game, but the demo is HORRIBLE.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
2008 Jason Awards
Best Environments
Battlefield: Bad Company
Most Frustrating
Grand Theft Auto IV
Best Vehicles (TIE)
Mercenaries 2: World In Flames
Saints Row 2
Best Sports Game Of Any Year, Ever
FIFA 07
Best Loadscreens
FIFA 07
Best XBLA Game
Duke Nukem 3D
Biggest Letdown(s)
Mirror's Edge
Spore
Best Art Style
LittleBigPlanet
Game Of The Year (PS3) TIE
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune
LittleBigPlanet
Most Unneccessary Sequel
Destroy All Humans! Path Of The Furon
Best Retro Revival TIE
Banjo-Kazooie Nuts & Bolts
Diddy Kong Racing (DS)
Only Game To Escape Scathing Criticism For Overuse Of WWII In Three Years
Call Of Duty: World At War
Most Creatively Recycled Concept
Fallout 3 for its successful recycling of "Post Apocalyptic Nightmare"
Battlefield: Bad Company
Most Frustrating
Grand Theft Auto IV
Best Vehicles (TIE)
Mercenaries 2: World In Flames
Saints Row 2
Best Sports Game Of Any Year, Ever
FIFA 07
Best Loadscreens
FIFA 07
Best XBLA Game
Duke Nukem 3D
Biggest Letdown(s)
Mirror's Edge
Spore
Best Art Style
LittleBigPlanet
Game Of The Year (PS3) TIE
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune
LittleBigPlanet
Most Unneccessary Sequel
Destroy All Humans! Path Of The Furon
Best Retro Revival TIE
Banjo-Kazooie Nuts & Bolts
Diddy Kong Racing (DS)
Only Game To Escape Scathing Criticism For Overuse Of WWII In Three Years
Call Of Duty: World At War
Most Creatively Recycled Concept
Fallout 3 for its successful recycling of "Post Apocalyptic Nightmare"
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
New video begins production.
It's a stop motion video, about the adventures of a pirate captain who time travels. Due to my recent run-ins with UMG, who probably hate me more by the minute, I am considering recording a drum cover of the song I want to use (so far undecided on the actual song). It was also decided to be a tentative 'to be continued'.
However, I'm having an extremely annoying problem with it. My Mini USB cable (the very invention of which I believe was unnecessary and stupid) won't fit in the Mini USB hole (which doubles as A/V Out, which I also think is unnecessary). It just won't frigging go and it frustrates me.
In Other News:
There is an awesome and timely site that has just sprung up from nowhere, already hitting the Digg and Reddit home pages. It's here, and I recommend you contribute. I did. It felt right.
Also, I should point out that we are now OUT OF SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS HOORAY. Just had to get that out there.
Peace,
J
However, I'm having an extremely annoying problem with it. My Mini USB cable (the very invention of which I believe was unnecessary and stupid) won't fit in the Mini USB hole (which doubles as A/V Out, which I also think is unnecessary). It just won't frigging go and it frustrates me.
In Other News:
There is an awesome and timely site that has just sprung up from nowhere, already hitting the Digg and Reddit home pages. It's here, and I recommend you contribute. I did. It felt right.
Also, I should point out that we are now OUT OF SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS HOORAY. Just had to get that out there.
Peace,
J
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Year In Movies
Top Ten Grossing Movies ("X" indicates not watched)
10.0 The Dark Knight
5.6 Indiana Jones 4
8.8 Kung Fu Panda
7.2 Hancock
9.3Iron Man
X Mamma Mia!
X Quantum Of Solace
8.3 WALL-E
X The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian
X Sex and the City
Other movies I saw:
9.5 No Country For Old Men
8.5 SWAT
7.9 Cloverfield
8.8 Fool's Gold
9.0 Be Kind Rewind
6.5 Charlie Bartlett [stopped watching halfway]
6.0 The Incredible Hulk [the new one]
3.0 The Year With No Santa Claus
3.0 National Lampoon's Christmas
8.5 James Bond 007: GoldenEye
8.5 The Condemned
5.0 The Kingdom
7.5 21
2.5 Superhero Movie
-87,000.2 Mamma Mia
Next movie I want to see: Valkyrie, a movie about Nazis who try to kill Hitler late in WWII. I don't know how exciting it'll be, since they obviously fail, but maybe the process of failing will be exciting.
10.0 The Dark Knight
5.6 Indiana Jones 4
8.8 Kung Fu Panda
7.2 Hancock
9.3Iron Man
X Mamma Mia!
X Quantum Of Solace
8.3 WALL-E
X The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian
X Sex and the City
Other movies I saw:
9.5 No Country For Old Men
8.5 SWAT
7.9 Cloverfield
8.8 Fool's Gold
9.0 Be Kind Rewind
6.5 Charlie Bartlett [stopped watching halfway]
6.0 The Incredible Hulk [the new one]
3.0 The Year With No Santa Claus
3.0 National Lampoon's Christmas
8.5 James Bond 007: GoldenEye
8.5 The Condemned
5.0 The Kingdom
7.5 21
2.5 Superhero Movie
-87,000.2 Mamma Mia
Next movie I want to see: Valkyrie, a movie about Nazis who try to kill Hitler late in WWII. I don't know how exciting it'll be, since they obviously fail, but maybe the process of failing will be exciting.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Song of the whatever. One.
I can't really be bothered to do Song Of The Day like I used to on MSN, and I might have more than one per week, so I'm just going to do Song Of The Whatever, and I'll just post good music whenever I run into it.
Today's:
MIA - Paper Planes - DFA Remix [from Hancock]
Oh yeah, and I didn't make the video (obviously). There's no official, so this photo mashup is by "mkayitschloe" from YouTube.
Today's:
MIA - Paper Planes - DFA Remix [from Hancock]
Oh yeah, and I didn't make the video (obviously). There's no official, so this photo mashup is by "mkayitschloe" from YouTube.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Musick
Just recently I've been discovering a shitload of music I like after a very long famine, which came much to my surprise. This is partially because of XM (oops I mean Sirius now)'s new channel, Channel 39, which plays nonstop Led Zeppelin; and partially because of my rediscovery of The Hype Machine.
Here's some of the songs I've run into:
Rihanna - Rehab
P!nk - So What
Heartsrevolution - Ultraviolence
Serj Tankian - Sky Is Over
Led Zeppelin - Nobody's Fault But Mine
Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
DJ Zebra - Hey We Will Rock Ya (Queen vs Outkast)
Jay-Z ft. Santogold - Brooklyn Go Hard
MGMT ft Justice, Pitbull, Lykke Li, and Kings Of Leon; mixed by Rodeo: Kids Are Your Friends
Boston - Rock & Roll Band
Boston - More Than A Feeling
Elvis - In The Ghetto [in my opinion, the kind of music he should have always done instead of his stupid f***ing doo-wop]
Lords Of Acid - James Brown Is Dead
Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home
I should also attribute a few of these to Garret, Phil, DigitalPh33r, SecretPants.net, and my drum teacher.
Also? Just throwing this out there, but I've been noticing a rash of games lately that sell an update for ten bucks to unlock all content in the game, and Mercs 2 just came out with a patch which allows this cheat. Why doesn't Rainbow Six Vegas 2 have a similar item in the Marketplace? The game has already sucked hundreds of unenjoyable hours away from me in a vain attempt to get the following items:
OSand Camo
OBallistics Mask
ORiot Mask
XLeather Armour
ONight Vision Goggles (visible to others)
OTactical Goggles
XFlight Helmet
XBandana
XRetro Glasses
XRaging Bull (actually not as good as some of the more police-y pistols)
TL;DR: I want this. I am willing to pay for it. DO YOU HEAR ME UBISOFT?! I WILL PAY YOU AGAIN!
Here's some of the songs I've run into:
Rihanna - Rehab
P!nk - So What
Heartsrevolution - Ultraviolence
Serj Tankian - Sky Is Over
Led Zeppelin - Nobody's Fault But Mine
Rolling Stones - Paint It Black
DJ Zebra - Hey We Will Rock Ya (Queen vs Outkast)
Jay-Z ft. Santogold - Brooklyn Go Hard
MGMT ft Justice, Pitbull, Lykke Li, and Kings Of Leon; mixed by Rodeo: Kids Are Your Friends
Boston - Rock & Roll Band
Boston - More Than A Feeling
Elvis - In The Ghetto [in my opinion, the kind of music he should have always done instead of his stupid f***ing doo-wop]
Lords Of Acid - James Brown Is Dead
Coheed and Cambria - Welcome Home
I should also attribute a few of these to Garret, Phil, DigitalPh33r, SecretPants.net, and my drum teacher.
Also? Just throwing this out there, but I've been noticing a rash of games lately that sell an update for ten bucks to unlock all content in the game, and Mercs 2 just came out with a patch which allows this cheat. Why doesn't Rainbow Six Vegas 2 have a similar item in the Marketplace? The game has already sucked hundreds of unenjoyable hours away from me in a vain attempt to get the following items:
OSand Camo
OBallistics Mask
ORiot Mask
XLeather Armour
ONight Vision Goggles (visible to others)
OTactical Goggles
XFlight Helmet
XBandana
XRetro Glasses
XRaging Bull (actually not as good as some of the more police-y pistols)
TL;DR: I want this. I am willing to pay for it. DO YOU HEAR ME UBISOFT?! I WILL PAY YOU AGAIN!
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